What do you need sexual intelligence for?
The concept of “sexual intelligence” was coined by Dr. Sheree Conrad and Dr. Michael Milburn, exploring why, despite the sexual revolution, we still lack happiness in bed. In turn, the author of the term “erotic intelligence” is Esther Perel, who in the book of the same title wonders how today, in times of “dictatorship of equality”, we are to accept that it is sexual inequality that guarantees successful sex. What else is sexual intelligence? We ask Katarzyna Miller.
We naturally associate sex with instincts, stimuli, chemistry, i.e. forces independent of our will or our reason. Meanwhile, people write and talk about the intelligence of lovers. So does what we think matter in bed? After all, we’re not starting a business, we’re just supposed to love each other. Or maybe this intelligence is just such an American fashionable invention?
It matters not only how we think, but also how we act, what we choose. To begin with, I will tell you two anecdotes from my life. The first is a love tragedy about an erotically intelligent young woman who arranges to have sex with an attractive, intimidating older man in a hotel. She was so taken with the date that as soon as they got to the room, she wanted to brush her teeth, and she did it with such commitment that her crown fell out and got stuck in the elbow of the sink. Poor girl broke down, she was already flustered, and here’s more – toothless! All her desire for sex was gone, she just wanted to go home. But how?! No lace? But she couldn’t take it off herself…
She called a sexy Polish plumber – and her sexual intelligence was that she had his number on hand!?
It was a good idea to have such a call recorded, but she had just done something else that also confirmed her erotic and even sexual intelligence, despite her little experience. She told the waiting man, although she was very ashamed, that not only was she not skilled at such hotel trysts, but she also had no front tooth because her crown fell into the elbow of the sink. To which he jumped happily. He recently had a similar experience, so they have more in common than he thought. And instead of looking at his watch, saying he forgot an important meeting, or taking care of that elbow of the sink, he looked at her knees with fire in his eyes. Her helplessness, sincerity and openness, plus a charming self-consciousness, captivated him. And they had good sex, because he climbed to the heights of his art, seeing in her a real girl without a gram of pose,
So if we lose a tooth, we don’t have to miss the opportunity for super sex and be doomed to a date with the dentist?
This is what sexual intelligence is about, turning something that could be a lack into an asset. And now the second anecdote from life, but this time about the lack of sexual and erotic intelligence in an attractive and experienced lady who had her whole apartment wallpapered with her photos in various corsets and other dressing gowns, so that one of the guests would not miss how beautiful she is. This lady always boasted to her friends that she could take the most advantageous pose in bed, and therefore she would wrap any
Intimacy in front of the camera. Where are the boundaries?
The woman in front of the camera plays, but not like an actress, because the theater is her body, that is herself. It is also the mind and body of the other person. So it’s not just a role. If she thinks otherwise, she believed a lie.
Undressing in front of the camera looks innocent – after all, it only happens on the screen. As a psychotherapist, do you agree with this opinion?
The girls and women I talked to about it initially claimed that it was a safe, temporary and fairly easy income. Nobody touches them. He just watches. So it does not cross their borders and does not force them to do anything. They decide what they allow themselves to do. They did not feel that by showing their bodies to strangers, people they did not know, and for money, they violated their intimate sphere. They were not aware that it was selling themselves, their bodies, and thus a kind of prostitution.
But isn’t that just sex working?
I know that nowadays, when we share details of our lives on social networks, write what juice we drank for breakfast and what panties we put on, the boundaries of privacy have been pushed. But that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. That everyone is to participate in it and treat it as the norm. Undressing in front of the camera, we use freedom in an extreme way. We abuse it against ourselves, but we also cross the borders of others. It’s not good when freedom leads to self-abuse. After all, in front of the camera, a woman treats herself and her body instrumentally. It’s not just hers anymore. It becomes a product for sale. It is used to arouse someone, to masturbate and orgasm. To create fantasies and imaginations in someone’s head that they have no idea about, and in which their private parts are used. In some sense, in the mental realm, her body becomes the property of the beholder. So it is no longer hers and it is not reserved for someone important, chosen by her.
After all, a woman has no influence on who imagines what about her body. Even when she’s walking down the street in her coat, some passer-by may fantasize about her.
If he sells his body, however, he provokes and reinforces this possibility. Therefore, it is worth considering whether what he does is consistent and consistent with it. Apart from making quick money and some satisfaction that someone is willing to pay to watch it, is everything okay? Let’s start with the fact that hardly anyone is able to cut off their emotions, and it is necessary for the body to become a commodity for sale. The mental costs of such an attitude are significant. After all, people make money in front of the camera by using human instincts, manipulating the senses. The woman behaves like a confectioner who puts a cinnamon-vanilla scented candle next to the cakes. Buyers think that cupcakes and buns smell so beautiful and delicious, but it’s not true. Similarly, a woman in front of a webcam tricks another man, and in a very intimate space: she pretends that she cares about him, about his satisfaction. She dances, undresses, masturbates – all for him, because he has that effect on her.
But what’s wrong with such a theater? After all, the viewer knows what he’s
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